Transition out of active duty military life has always been tied to the dreamy excitement of a military family finally being free to live the life they always wanted. However, every year, the Department of Veterans Affairs releases a National Veteran Suicide Prevention Annual Report, which consistently shows veterans remaining at elevated risk for suicide. Over the last 20 years, the rate of veteran suicide has increased every year except for twice.

As a military mental health advocate and a military spouse transition expert, I consistently see problems with military families being prepared for the “Deadly Gap,” the time frame directly following transition out of active duty military service when the suicide rate is more than double that of their civilian peers and almost twice as high as the general veteran population.

Military spouses lack understanding and are afraid to speak up about mental health challenges. Combining that with a lack of resources, and the stress of a major life change, puts all transitioning military families at risk.

As we navigate through the next few months dedicated to mental health awareness, PTSD awareness, and military appreciation, it is critical to shed light on the Deadly Gap, offer support, and gain an understanding of the challenges our military families face as they transition out of active duty military service.

The Deadly Gap

The Deadly Gap is aptly named and marks the six months following a service member’s exit from active duty. It’s a time of massive change, both tangible and intangible, for the veteran and their family.

From the veteran’s perspective, they’ve served their country faithfully and are now asked to step away from the structured military life lived with purpose and mission into something unknown and unfamiliar.

This is the unsettling gap when access to resources is removed, daily routines are changed, and major decisions with long-term consequences are made. It can feel like navigating a maze in the dark and easily become overwhelming. Veterans struggle to find a new job, purpose and identity. They search for community but are often at a loss for where to find it and how to optimize relationships. They have feelings of loneliness, emptiness and uncertainty. It’s no wonder that mental health struggles often come to the fore, manifesting in myriad ways.

The military spouse Catch-22

From the military spouse’s perspective, they have also transitioned out of a community they have called home. They are also trying to navigate the unknown for themselves and their family while keeping a close eye on the mental wellness of their veteran.

Unfortunately, the all-too-common pattern in transition shows up. The service member displays signs of anxiety or depression. They may start acting out with risky behaviors. They may isolate and disengage from family and friends. Everyone notices the change, but the military spouse feels paralyzed and struggles to know the right course of action.

If the spouse addresses the change, will it be considered overbearing or too dramatic? Will their service member feel attacked? Is it worth saying something just to add stress to all the other transition issues that the family is dealing with? How do you explain this to friends and family who assume you just got the “golden ticket” of retirement and are joyfully ecstatic that you get to do whatever you want now?

I distinctly remember the day I realized my service member had reached a point where I could not help him. The fear of what he might do weighed heavy on me. If I were to speak up, it would force us to acknowledge something neither of us was ready to say out loud. Additionally, I did not know who to ask for help or where to go to find resources. As a retired military family, the “usual” places were no longer a benefit offered to me and our health care was completely separate with him being seen by the VA.

How to stop this cycle

“My greatest fear is that he will try to kill himself,” said one military spouse during a recent conversation I had with her about their transition. They are right in the middle of the Deadly Gap timeframe. She’s bravely addressed this fear with her veteran who denies he’d ever do anything like that, but the warning signs are all there.

It’s not easy to stop the cycle our transitioning families find themselves in. It takes hard conversations and a willingness to see things from another perspective. However, it is necessary to address the issues when you see them to ensure the mental wellness of your family remains intact.

“It’s hard to know how to say things without making him mad,” she continued, “I’m not a mental health professional, and what if I say it wrong and that’s what tips him over the edge?”

Saying and doing the wrong things is a real fear. The military spouse doesn’t want their service member to feel attacked, scrutinized or criticized, and they want them to know that this comes from a place of love. Ultimately, the key is to remember that as the spouse, you cannot be responsible for your veteran’s choices, and when mental health concerns are at the root, reaching out for professional help is always the best option.

Tap into available resources

There are many resources available, and utilizing them can make a huge difference.

If your veteran is ready to allow you to walk the mental health journey with them, start with your veteran’s primary care manager at the VA, a place that exists to “care for those who have served in our nation’s military and for their families, caregivers, and survivors.”

Community resources and nonprofits dedicated to serving veterans’ needs and their families’ and caregivers’ needs are another option. A personal favorite is Give an Hour, which has a specialized approach to emotional well-being for the military community. Cohen Veterans Network is designed for post-9/11 veterans and their mental health, providing a nationwide network of mental health clinics. The Elizabeth Dole Foundation is specifically designed to cater to the mental health needs of military and veteran caregivers.

Military One Source has a benefits finder for health care and emotional well-being and includes nearly 60 resources. SpouseLink by AAFMAA is a network of active duty military spouses across the country that host and participate in military and related events, connecting with members of their local communities throughout the year, in-person and online. And finally, as a transition expert dedicated to supporting military spouses, MilSpouse Transition is an up-and-coming resource designed to help with the transition journey.

If you or a loved one is in crisis, please call, text or chat 988. The 988 Lifeline provides 24/7, free, and confidential support for people in distress.

Anna Larson is the founder of MilSpouse Transition and a military spouse transition expert providing guidance, resources and support for military families transitioning out of active duty military life. She mentors transitioning military spouses as an ambassador for SpouseLink. Her family lived at duty stations in Europe, Africa and the United States. Now, as a retired military family, they take every opportunity to be outdoors and experience all that life on the “other side” has to offer.